I am not so sure what to say to you or why I am writing, but I am sure that I will find out soon enough. I do know that you have greatness within you, unlimited potential as well as success somewhere within the deepest recesses. Your biggest challenge is to gain access to all your potential for the entire world to see. I know that you are a powerful entity that is unstoppable once set into motion.
In many ways I feel that I have let you down. I have let you down mainly by being busy with busyness. Sometimes this busyness is helping others accomplish/achieve tasks/goals that are important to them. Other times the busyness can be excuses to avoid or delay taking the necessary action to pursue goals that dwell deep down in my heart. The majority of the time the major excuse is that I don’t know where to start or how to start. Either way, all this busyness leads to not taking care of you, not placing you in a higher priority. Your needs, desires, goals are always placed on the back burner in favor of something else that should be of less importance.
I have also let you down by not letting you take risks/chances. Without risk there is no reward, and I have not allowed you to take the necessary risks to allow you to discover who you really are, to truly let you shine. I have kept you at bay, held you back, and prevented you from truly shinning. I have no explanation why I have allowed this to occur nor do I know how to set you free. I wish I had the answer.
I know that the burdens of life bog you down. I also, accept the responsibility for the burdens that keep you tied down. Care for an elderly parent, a partner that doesn’t share the responsibility equally, as well as financial burdens are all responsibilities that are choices. Care for the parent is important, the partner can change, and the financial responsibilities are temporary. As time passes these things, too shall fade away.
I don’t know why you can’t deal with your feeling for ‘Buddy’. There appears to be an opportunity that you just refuse to address. I realize that the situation is complicated. First, you are married. Although you are in a loveless relationship, for the most part you just go through the motions. There is no love, compassion, laughter, togetherness, nothing. You don’t dislike your wife, you’re just not in love with her anymore, you still love her but you’re not in love. It is always you who has to initiate anything. Very little comes from the other side, you’re involved in a lopsided relationship that makes you feel all alone and by yourself.
Second, Buddy works for your brother, she makes her living at the office. Buddy’s job is how she pays her mortgage, bills as well as entertainment. While complicated, Buddy has said and perhaps gives clues that there may be interest and you have done nothing, not a thing. How pathetic is that!!!! All because you won’t take a chance/risk. What are you afraid of?
At least Buddy senses when thinks are not quite right with you. Buddy cares about how you eat, whether or not you are taking care of yourself. Buddy shows interest and genuine concern for you. You and your current partner communicate superfluously with very little meaning, care or concern.
I know you still feel like that bird with his wings all tied up. Perhaps you should throw caution to the wind so-to-speak and just go for it. Like the NIKE motto, “JUST DO IT”. Go for broke, walk the walk. No Fear. We have to find a way to untie those wings so that you may soar like and eagle.
One way to set you free may be to change your relationship status. This is probably your biggest burden and could potentially ruin the remainder of your life. Remember that your time is limited and you should not live your life by everyone else’s expectations or how they may perceive you should you choose this path. I know you’re afraid that your current partner will suffer, but I don’t know why you feel responsible for her. She is a big girl and should be able to take care of herself. Whether she can or cannot take care of herself may not be your concern. Your main concern should be for yourself. Take care of you, you are number one. I think the sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll find happiness.
(If Fred’s letter to his soul touched your soul in some way, please let him know by sharing your comments below.)