Top Ten Relationship Tips

  1. Self Care/Leadership – Respecting and honoring yourself and your own feelings first.
  2. Design your alliance – What are the mutual rules for communication in this relationship?  What do you need: what does your partner need?

3.   Expectations/Needs – What are this person’s needs in this relationship?  What are your needs?  Importance to them/you on a scale of 1-10. How well are you meeting their needs? (Scale of 1-10)  How well are they meeting your needs? (Scale of 1 -10) 

4.   Values – Know each other’s values; write them down. What value of yours is this person stepping on?  What value of theirs are you stepping on?

5.   Transparency  – (The elephant in the room)  “Nothing’s wrong!”  If you can’t be perfectly clear, how can it be addressed?  Be clear about what is REALLY bothering you.  What are the results of the action/non-action?  How did it make you feel?  What values were being stepped on?

6.   Power of words – State what you want, not what you don’t want (positive vs. negative) 
“Don’t talk to me that way!” – “Speak to me with respect”
“Don’t slam the door!” – “Shut the door quietly”
“Don’t leave your coat on the chair” – “Coats belong in the closet”

7.   Perspective – Take down the defense shields.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Their point of view is just as valid.

 8.   Attitude of Gratitude – What do you appreciate about this person?  About this situation?

9.   BE the change – what are your actions saying?  You want the other person to change…are you willing to BE the change? Treat others as you would like to be treated.

10. The Gift – Versus the challenge of this person – It’s easy to focus on the challenge of this person but what is the gift of this person?  What attracted you to this person in the first place?  Focus on this.

11. The Big Picture – What do you want this relationship to look like/be?  Take the helicopter view if you are stuck in the weeds or minutia.  What’s important about this relationship?

12. Listen at Level 3 – What is under the current of what this person is saying?

Valentine’s Day, Money & Deep Sea Diving

So, it’s February and that means Valentine’s Day and relationships, right?  Sure I could offer up the top 10 relationship tips, but I thought I’d get outside of the box and stir things up with a little something unusual yet relevant; deep sea diving and money.  Yes, you heard me right so, get out your SCUBA gear (a snorkel just won’t do) and join me on this journey beneath the surface.

Personally, I am smack dab in the middle of understanding my own relationship with money.  I really want to understand this relationship and fix it so that I can truly prosper. So, I gathered up some courage (my SCUBA equipment) and decided to be vulnerable (deep dive) and expose this deep, dark part of my life to a mastermind group I belong to.  I also decided to share this topic with my coach, and my best friend, who happens to be a counselor.  And now I am sharing it with you.  Needless to say, I am well below sea level in the dark, murky waters of my own money issues but here’s what I’ve learned so far.

We all have a money script running in the back of our heads or, as T. Harv Eker likes to say, a money blueprint.  Eker is the author of Secrets of the Millionaire Mind; the book someone in my mastermind group had suggested I read, and boy were they right!  (Both Eker and my mastermind friend.)  Eker suggests we look at:

1.  Modeling – What you were taught about money when you were young; what actions were demonstrated to you about money

2.  Verbal Programming – What was said about money; about people with money throughout your life

3.  Specific Incidents -What were the specific experiences you had with money, however passive they might seem

4.  Create a new blueprint – Start by thinking how rich people think

So, I started to explore this vast ocean of mine.  Let’s see…when I was a kid, I saved money in an empty Skippy peanut butter jar.  I could see all of the dollars and coins in there but the jar remained in my mother’s dresser so I couldn’t touch it.  I was taught to save money, not spend it.  If I needed spending money, it was provided. 

I also lived in a very affluent town yet, we didn’t have the fancy house, cars, maids, etc. that some of my friends had.  My mom never let us worry about money.   …and there is so much more.  I could go on, and on…and I did by journaling and being coached however, by diving deep, this helped me to begin to understand why I ‘skip’ (Skippy jar) the management of my own money and don’t manage it properly, even though I am quite capable and understand how to manage my money properly.  The point is that I am learning about my money script or blueprint, tearing it up and creating a new one by having the courage to talk about it and explore it with others, who have offered so many perspectives I never considered.  Because I decided to face it head-on and share my deep, dark, personal battle with others, a beautiful light shined upon this darkness inside of me and I am beginning to write a new script or blueprint for myself and money.  It is amazing.  I am already seeing more money flow into my life because I broke the dam and stopped paddling on denial. 

So, what were you taught about money?  How does it affect your life now?  How do you want to relate to money?  You can either paddle hard in the safety of your raft while floating down denial, or become a deep sea diver and explore an entire world beneath you that you didn’t know was there all along.  When you surface, I assure you that your money landscape will be different and you’ll even be breathing a little easier!